Letters from war.

I have my life figured out, I bet you do too. Surely, human beings are structured to dream, aspire, make goals and plan! Well, at least that’s what I think…though I’m not sure. I hear that there is a #YOLO anthem going around *smh*. Personally, I think that this YOLO nonsense is a way for losers to justify themselves. I’m sorry. I’m entitled to my views, yes? Freedom of expression etc. etc. Anyway, this post is for people, like me, who have their futures ‘figured out’. Or so we think. The future is uncertain. Right? For all I know, I might drop dead the minute I publish this post. God’s timing,yes? But then again, I might be alive till 2060 and if so, I want a pretty ring on my finger and my cute baby crawling around by 2020.

And on top of that, financial security and peace of mind ‘cause after all, what is the purpose of life if there is no peace?

The problem is, just like a woman seated on her porch waiting anxiously for the postman to arrive with more letters from her son serving in a near-ending war, I might just rip open an envelope and find news that are sure to shatter my heart in a thousand pieces. All that work she put into making her son into a man, the memories they shared…Our destinies are not in our own hands. At one time we will have to close our eyes and ask God to grant us the serenity to accept that which we cannot change.

BRING THE PAIN!

Yuck. I have just noticed that that's a very ugly photo of me in the Hello October post. Heh. I should pull that down. I had all intentions to pull down this blog too but as I logged in to do so, I remembered my newly updated twitter bio. And it says 'When I stand before God at the end of my life, I hope to have no single bit of talent left so that I can say, "I used everything you gave me"..'- Emma Bombeck Eerm..so,yeah. That is the reason as to why I am back. I know my blog isn't cool and stuff, it doesn't contain poems that make you shed tears and neither does it drip humour.

All I write is from the heart, my words are the basis of all my thoughts. There is this English music producer who said that black people are blessed, that their souls are so full and that is why they are able to sing and make you cry even when nothing's wrong. I am not comparing my self to these guys, I'll be dammed, but it is my prayer that God will fill my soul every single day so that I can empty it here and in turn fill another person's heart (And that I dont suffer another mind-block ). So this englishman got me thinking about black people, their music and their [supposedly] very full souls. History makes it clear that Blacks (and jews) are by far the most unlucky people. HIV, poverty, crime, under-development, segregation etc are all associated with black people yet these very same people are responsible for most of the best music you will ever listen to. One will only have to watch sarafina again and get exactly what i mean. Hell, the kids on that film made me cry and I couldn't even understand a word of what they sang but they were able infect your soul with emotions, then some more. Their souls so full that they run over into yours.

Look, all I am saying is that whenever you feel like your spirit is drying up, when you no longer pray enough, when your conscience doesn't eat you whenever you do something wrong, check yourself. As my dad always says, you are either coming from a storm, entering one or in the eye of one. So if you dont feel that it simply means that your spirit is getting nurtered. It is the ups and downs that make us stronger, that fill our souls and in consequence fills another man's heart. John Newton's Amazing Grace has such a heart-wrenching story behind it that it was called 'The great deliverance'. Maybe it still stirs hearts 200 years later because it was writen with so much soul. So,today, wonder why life is giving you a break and pray for a sign then when that boat rocks view is as a chance to grow and say BRING THE PAIN DAMMIIIT!!!!

Re-modelling for the new year.

I never thought I would use this blog again.Why?because nothing earth-shattering has been happening in my life.No fireworks or hailstorms.Nothing worth writing home about..Well I was wrong.I was loving the calm by the way.Then someone decided to rock the boat.Some idiot.Why so much bile?Because I have allowed myself,over and over,to get hurt by the same guy.Some silly part of me is still hoping and praying that he will come back,that he will realize that I’m worth changing for..blah blah blah..I know half of you already know who I am brooding over and yeah,it’s like the 10th time.So what,fucking sue me.I am not brooding by the way.I am a grown-ass woman now and this being like the 10th time now,it doesn’t hurt anymore.I stopped hoping for the best in some people.Consider this a turning point that I had to document.I tend to believe that the power of documentation is stronger than the power of speech.Why?I don’t even know:/ For the slow ones,this is a break-up blog,do try to keep up. I have learnt my lessons by the way.Never going back and this time I’m serious.

Have I given up on finding something real?No,I even got my eyes on someone already but I will definitely never make a man my life’s axis again.I know I will probably forget this when I meet the next guy with a sickening ego ,big brains and smooth vibe but I will get a hang of it eventually.I know I fall for guys really fast and get hurt fast enough:/..Look at the flip side though,how the hell am I supposed to learn?! Anyway,you.Yes you.Read this first before you un-bookmark my blog.Thank you for the memories.And I learnt a lot!!!hehe..Thank God I won’t have to waste these skills on you.I wish I could say more...*thinks pensively*...I’m drawing blanks though.Gee..What the fuck were we doing together for all those years:O.Am eaze though.peace.xx.

Hmm..This is a really short post.Anyway..

Love so you may live..

I am a strong believer of this: Investing in love is investing in life. Yeah yeah,I know half of you are going like "How would you know?you are 18.go paint your nails or something".Need I remind you that age is just but a number?*protests*.Lol.Anyway,I thought of this when painting my nails so don't you worry,I am perfectly normal:).I have a tongue piercing too!!Okay.That's a lie.Back to the story..As I was saying,where you invest your love you invest your life.A fulfilling life.And no,I don't mean rosy and easy,laughter and hugs.No,that's fiction.Check yourself if your life is like that.According to me,its the ups and downs that make life fulfilling.The break ups that show us where we went wrong and the second chances we give that signify healing.The hands that imprint memories and the lying tongue that reminds us that nobody's perfect.Then finally death that fills our days with remorse but at the same time reminds us to live everyday like it's the last.See?Life is hard enough.There is hurt at every turn but once love becomes part of it it all becomes bearable.Ask the women whose husbands batter them on a daily basis yet they can't leave because they don't want to be the one to separate her children from the only dad they've known..Faith,love,hope,and all those other things that hard-hearted people pretend to be allergic to,is what makes us 'silly' girls to fall in love again after suffering a heart-break.It is the ability to forgive and heal which,according to me,is priceless as opposed to shutting everyone out..Live.Love.Hurt.Forgive.Heal.That's how we become better people.Even Joan Gadsby tends to agree..

. To laugh is to risk appearing a fool, To weep is to risk appearing sentimental, To reach out another is to risk involvement, To love is to risk not being loved in return, To live is to risk dying, To believe is to risk despair, To try is to risk failure, But risks must be taken, Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing, People who Risk nothing, Have nothing.Are nothing, They may avoid suffering and sorrow,But they can't learn, Feel,change,grow,love,live, Chained to their attitudes they are salves, They have forfeited their freedom, Only person who risks is free:) Joan Gadsby (addiction by prescription,p.147) Embrace life,x.Bridgette.

Hello October:)

Bridgette's back:)tell a friend..hehe..

So,yeah..am back for good.September has been a disaster.Thank God I survived.I could been in that fire or I could have been a victim of on of those numerous accidents!I don't know why God found it necessary for me to bne here today and no,I am not complaining..I just feel favored and too some extent,I feel as if I do not deserve it.Why?To say the truth,I dont think I am one of His favourite people.Stuff I have been doing with my life doesnt make Him my number one fan (#gag) but as I said..I am not complaining:).Sure as hell.Anyway,this does not mean that my September has been rosy!As I said earlier;stuff I have been doing with my life,people I chose to trust *regrets*.I have cried a little bit too much this September but hey,that which cannot kill you can only make you stronger,ay?

I'm a better woman,I'm a better person,I'm a better friend and I'm definately a better student (those grades for last semister *eish*).i learnt my lessons.Sure as hell.I realised that I should have never let anyone other than myself hold my happiness.Whoa! wait,even I let myself down at times!Like earlier today,when I was reading my earlier blog posts and I kept wondering "Really?Really?I gave that lame Einstein joke?!What am I?10 YEARS OLD?!And the public saw this?Damn it Bridgette!"Lol.That's Bree drama right there.Anyway,so it hit me that I couldn't depend on myself fully.Shame.However,yesterday I discovered an extention of myself.Yeah,extention.Like..uummm..an external hard-disk (is that even relevant?).I found it in my dad.It has always been there and it's a shame that I have discovered it after 18 years.Yesterday I sat with my dad and we talked for like hours.I was in need of serious and intellectual conversation (Trust me,after not seeing him for like 7 months,it was truly refreshing).Back to the story,during this conversation it hit me;even when I lack the power and drive to chase my own future,even when I lack doubt my abilities and worth,I always find the strength in my dad..Whenever I lack the power to do it for me,I can never be unable to do it for this man..

He holds my heart in his heart.For real.That is priceless love right there but again,it is not timeless.Daddy aint immortal:(.One day I will be on my own with noone to hold my hand in the dark.Hell,daddy can't see in the dark either!I may love to think that he is superhuman but he aint.Even he knows that.Maybe he knows it better than I do.That is why he puts all his faith,trust and hopes in his God.I hope that one day I will be able tom anchor my faith where daddy's faith is at because the peace in this man can't be because of his financial security,established career or his beautiful family.It goes way deeper and one day I hope to find myself at such a level.To be able to inspire my children like he does.To see the world in the same colors as he does.I know I make him sound perfect but he isnt.He keeps telling people that all seems perfect because he is not in control of his own life.A greater person shines through him.I might not be able to understand these things, they are beyond my comprehension.I don't know if you have found such peace.I know I havent but I am sure I need it.This life needs a higher power in control.You know you need it too..However,this are some of those things that we cant force.So,on a lighter note,this October.. Work like you don't need the money, Love like you have never been hurt, Dance like nobody's watching..

I dont know if this post has made any sense today but hey,that is not my main concern:I write to empty my mind and fill my heart.. Lovely October, Bridgette. xx.

Life of a hustler,Life of a gambler..

You know Sundays.Long.Boring.Random aunts and uncles from god-knows -where show up.People get saved.People who dont usually pray do so on sundays.It's also the day you wake up with a 4 day hangover or the day you wake up in someone else's bed and you go like ''Christ,what the hell did I do?!!!!"Or if you had beef with your boss Sunday is the day you spend the whole day trying to explain yourself on Monday.Or maybe you broke up with you boyfriend/girlfriend over the weekend who happens to be your schoolmate,you stand infront the mirror for hours practising expressions for 'just in case he looks my way'.(Though 98% of the time your face crumbles and you feel dead and deflated.)Sunday is also that day you can stare at the wall for hours without thinking about anything at all.I guess that is why it's called reflection Sundays.Anyway,to the point,my day hasnt been that tragic.It has turned out to be ...uuummmm...wise.I guess.So,I was dead bored.Bored to extinction,and too lazy to pick up any book with challenging content.No challenging material;I settled for Carroll's Alice In Wonderland.A book i have crammed word by word.(for real.cool,ay?).Then I came to the really thought-provoking part of the book...

`Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. `Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. `Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

`That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

`I don't much care where--' said Alice.

`Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

`--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.

`Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, `if you only walk long enough.'

The lesson from this ugly,weird,purple cat is obvious.Set your goals and do not look left or right.DO NOT DERAIL.Really?Really?Think about it.Is that possible in our 21st century?Ask any sober human being and they will tell you this:I want to be a doctor.That's my profession but I still want to collect and sell art,yeah?and also find time to visit my dairy farm in Kiambu.You see?Plan 1 2 3.Hustle!Unapopata nafasi ya kula,kula!(Utengano,1969) and you may never know what you may come across.As in,16 year-old Nyasha Matonhodze didn't know she would be the new face of Louis Vuitton!(I know you didnt know.LOL.).What I am trying to say is,it is only a stupid person who puts all his eggs in one basket.Anyway,that's what I think.What is your view?

First day nerves *gulp*

Nice...Now am a blogger.Trust me,I hadnt intended for this its just how my 2011 is going-Surprises at every turn.Some good others bad.Hoping for the best but expecting for the worst.Any BBS student at Strathmore could elaborate that for you :-D (Insider joke.dont laugh.).For real this blogging thing came as a shoker.It just came to me...The writting on the palace wall.LOL.Once upon a time i wanted to be a model.Shallow,ay?I used to walk past the mirror and go like ''Beyonce heads-up!!!".Anyway,that was before puberty struck and genes manifested =(.As usual,my brother is the one who shed light on the matter of curves and kilos in relation to modelling.seriously innverse relationship.
                     Let curves be C,tendency to model be T and kilos be K.
                        CK=m/T.*geek alert*

So,anyway,back to my brother..clearly going to him was a really bad idea.He broke my heart...I dont even know why I was stressing over it anyway,Blaise Mwaura wanted to be an astronaut.I PREFER SHALLOW MODEL DREAM TO RETARD-EINSTEIN WANNA BE!!!(yes hard feelings).In the end we do not always get what we want,we have to take no for an answer.sad,i know.However this does not mean that we should give up.If it was meant to be it will come back to you-(even vogue launched the vogue curvy edition for the not so skinny models..)-and if it doesnt,when a door closes a window opens.No retreat.No surrender.ok?Ask Robert Frost..

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear;
though as for that, the passing there
had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no feet had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference..

(Frost,1920)

 I  would lie that this great piece of art is mine if I wasnt writting for such an intelligent crowd,

Stay inspired,

xx.